Alice, the girl with the scarred heart
The reason I keep this blog anonymous is because it allows me to SHAMELESSLY gossip about people in my real life. I need an anonymous place because I don’t just want to gossip about what I know, but also analyze this and draw conclusions. Since people in my area aren’t completely clueless, I’m just replacing her name with one of a Twilight character!
People in general, especially teenagers, dislike gossip (as long as it’s about them. Otherwise, they totally love it). However, they hate being analyzed, which is my favorite hobby. I love seeing what makes people “tick,” or, what drives them to do what they are. Gather a box of puzzle pieces about someone’s life and start puzzling. I’m going to be really honest, it’s usually not for their benefit. It’s for my own selfish desire to occupy my mind with puzzling.
Let’s cut to the chase (Always loved that expression). Way back when, I used to be a geek. Yes, me. My grades were to die for, I had no social life, and I was expressing myself through academic work. Later this all changed, but that’s besides the point. During a certain event that took place outside of school, but was accompanied by my favorite teacher, were two students performing something on stage. Me and Alice.
While I was a year older and a huge, slow, antisocial geek, Alice was quite the opposite. She was one of the first Emo/Scene people around. Actually, she was scene before anyone had ever even heard of scene outside some small areas in America. (I live in western europe) And, I kinda forgot about the trick I had to perform on stage, I was fascinated by this person who was dressed totally alternative and talked about music and alternative stuff. She wasn’t… extremely depressed.. or sad even (maybe she didn’t totally grasp the emo concept at the time), she was hyper like a bouncy ball. She wasn’t dressed like a goth, she dressed.. appropriately for a teenager, but with an alternative twist.
Later on, I found out that this highly interesting person was also.. quite messed up. She cut herself, more than a few times.. She drank in class… she spent most of her time being utterly and completely stoned and wasted. At the time, I probably wasn’t feeling much better, but I never used drugs. It is really not my thing.
Anyways, back to my very distant and non-contact analysis of her. About a year later, one of my very somewhat acquaintances started hanging around with her. They both liked Japanese cartoons so they kinda clicked. I was interested and talked to her a few times during breaks, but not much more. Until, on a sunny friday afternoon, I ran into them at the bike stands behind our school. They were talking about japanese cartoons, especially the more.. explicit ones. She brought him a disc with a burned example, and I had my laptop with me. (I think she really had a crush on him back then, and he freaking followed her with his mouth wide open) Disc + laptop + hormonal teenagers = 3 teenagers sitting in the grass next to school watching anime porno. Even though I was a total prude and amazingly shocked by the video, I couldn’t help but be fascinated by her. She was amazingly hyper and she really was the most impulsive person I’d ever met. The things she dared to say to total strangers. It was amazing. (by the way, just to clarify, I never had a crush on her, never fell for her, etc. I just stood by in awe at someone so.. uninhibited). Later I saw her around, but she lost the ‘sparkle’ she had, the hyperness. Instead of wearing interesting alternative outfits she wore baggy sweaters and didn’t really bother with much anymore. From my distant viewpoint it looked like she’d given up.
Ever since then I’ve been gathering puzzle pieces about her. She left our school after last year (in which she wasn’t all that much present) and only recently I’ve kinda talked to people about her. Over the past few days I’ve found more information about this.. uninhibited spirit… Alice ended up doing a lot more foolish crap, drugs and people and ended up in rehab. Now she lives with her boyfriend somewhere and since she can’t go back to the school type she was following before her issues she’s now doing something much less… challenging. I really feel for this girl.. especially because she doesn’t have the opportunities she once had. That must a really sucky thing to know, you’re the one who blew your own future…
My ideas on why she would do these things…
The selfharm tells us she’s not just having a good time and having bad friends, but really has mental issues. (Oh hai, I’m totally partying my ass off all day and all night and it’s making me so miserable I’m cutting myself.) What was really wrong with her, I don’t know. She was obviously self-destructive and overly impulsive, there’s probably a deep dark secret here that would drive her to these things, but I’m clueless on what. Maybe I’m wrong with my deep dark secret theory and it’s just teenage rebellion, partying and drugs mixed with impulsiveness. At least now I know how the story ends, the why is still a question.
[note: I don't know this girl and this info could be wrong and is missing huge pieces. It's just my perception from far away.]
